The others all appear to be keeping journals. It has been suggested that I do the same in the past. I was never able to pull together the will nor the motivation to keep up with one. But, considering the will and motivation I now feel- not to mention will need for my grand goals, whichever those may end up being, to be brought to fruition- I may as well give it a go. After all, it may prove a valuable, therapeutic outlet for my many frustrations that are sure to haunt my future endeavors.
There is so much I feel I should say, but I doubt I will cover it all in one sitting. For now I’ll just try and explain a bit about myself. You see, for most of my life, I have been increasingly disappointed with the human race. People claim to believe in morality and doing what is right, but they are quick to abandon their principles the moment they become too inconvenient or don’t “jive” with their strong emotions at the time of a major crisis of some sort or another. It is trouble enough that there are so many different beliefs in this world, so that it is nigh impossible to get along as it is. But the fact that people are so ready to let their base instincts and emotions overrule their own ethos in the times when they are most needed only leads to further trouble.
It hit home again strongly with me today as I heard an offhand comment from
Rosel Dio when we the subject of torture came up. It was horrified how someone, who, as little as I knew her, I felt I could get along with so well, so passively declared that she would sadistically torture the one who killed her mother before killing them in vengeance. Don’t get me wrong, I can wholly understand that anger, pain, and hatred just as much as anyone can (although she might not believe it if I told her so myself). I’ve felt it often enough myself, even if I haven’t been in her exact position. But that’s just my point- it is a base, amoral, purely emotive response that is ultimately vile, despicable, and only adds to the evil and corruption in the world. If anything even remotely like Utopia (or “Atlantis”, perhaps) is to ever be reached, people must learn to master such feelings (lest they be themselves mastered by their demons), and become more resolute in being righteous and morally good.
And I know perfectly well that it is far more easily said than done. Despite not knowing much as far as the details go, I sympathize with Dio for the pain she must feel over her mother’s death, as well as the torment inflicted upon her Wiccan coven. But she must realize that it is BECAUSE she is so emotionally biased against some people, that she is not in a just position to cast a fair judgement on them.
Honestly, I would not hesitate to stop her from torturing her mother’s killer, or anyone else for that matter, even if it meant killing Dio herself. (And let’s face it, at that point my own life would be essentially forfeit, since everyone and their cousin would likely come after me, despite the fact I was only doing what is right. Regardless, I wouldn’t regret it for a moment.)
The fact is, there are a few things I absolutely will not tolerate, under any circumstances; things which I consider far worse than killing. One of those is torture. Another is rape- which, if you consider it, is just another kind of torture anyway. And finally, any sort of mind control. This is because the one thing I hold sacred, is the mind. Everything a person is, is contained in the mind. Without it, a person is no more, even if their body still draws breath.
I know I’m an idealist. Some might say naive. Perhaps even, hah, a zealot, now. Funny how things work out, considering that as an atheist and outsider in general, I was often part of minorities often attacked by religious zealots. (Fortunately I was never personally attacked, but that was probably due to being generally antisocial and nobody being aware I was part of those minorities in the first place.) But yes, I am an idealist. If I am to be labeled as such, I will wear those labels with pride as badges of honor. And this time, I will not let my fire die while my body still lives. I won’t let the world’s challenges dull my passion for what is right a second time.
These are all big words, but when it comes to actual plans, I’m still a work in progress. Seeing as how we’ve all had to don new identities (“shadow names”) anyway, I’m considering separating my various projects and goals amongst still more false identities. I have chosen the name Glitter Noctys, or just Noctys, for my shadow name in dealing with other mages, and the various politicking involved therein, but I maintain that my “real” shadow name is Kymera, to represent my planned usage of multiple identities. I have come up with a few other names as well, some of which I have set aside for future tasks.
For one thing, I have become aware of the horrifying practice of some mages to abuse sleepwalkers, even going so far as to force them into being mindless slaves. It would of course be a major goal of mine to end, or at least combat, this practice, most likely under the guise of a sort of vigilante named Lunos Vulpinos. Sadly, it will probably be some time before I can get around to dealing with this project, not least because I am doubtlessly still far too much of a weak newbie to take on such a task and make any real noticeable progress. So for now, I will just have to train myself and learn as much as I can in preparation for such goals.
Also, on a more practical level, my new cabal-mates and I will likely need a steady source of income and resources to supply all of our projects. Ironically, this seems to be one area my rival, Overman, and I may be able to work well together on- as well as Ramses. While we haven’t discussed it much, I think the three of us (if not so much the other three) agree that setting up some sort of private business venture, backed with our newfound arcane abilities, might be a good solution. While it remains to be seen if this idea ever actually goes anywhere, I have set aside the name of Harmony Tock as both my representative identity in this endeavor, as well as my signature name for my various artistic outlets. (Since, despite everything else, I still plan on writing stories and drawing cute furry/pony related things when I get the chance. Everyone needs their escape now and then- and so long as I don’t let them fully absorb me again, I see no reason to I shouldn’t continue to embrace the few things that brought genuine smiles to my face in my sleeping life!)
I should really bring this entry to a close. Future entries will likely not be nearly this long, but this one needed to be. As it is, I feel there is still more to say, but I’ll bring it up later. For now, the hour is late, and despite being such a creature of the night, I DO still need my sleep. Next time, though, I think I’ll make some notes of my feelings on my cabal mates, as well as perhaps the various mage organizations I have learned about. Until then, however, “Bene noctum.”